Vulnerability

I try not to cry


I hate those wet things crawling down my cheeks


Soaking my pillow


Getting the side of my face sticky


Making my eyes puffy


Making them red



I don't like getting that stuffy nose


Puffy cheeks


Puffy lips


From crying all night long


With so many thoughts & emotions just gushing out



I hate being that vulnerable


Because being that vulnerable leads to talking


Telling people exactly what's on my mind





That's dangerous


Dangerous for everyone


****


I don't like crying


I let things fester


Let them keep boiling


Till they rise to the surface


Where I can't control em



They then come pouring out


In forms of droplets 


Droplets of tears


Streaming down my cheeks



Being soaked by my pillow


That I hug so tight


Looking for some sort of comfort


Late at night



I'll never find it


That I know to be true


I'll never find it cuz that pillow


That pillow aint nothin on you



By 'you' everyone might be thinkin I mean a lover


Nope that aint true


I don't just mean one person


It’s not just one person


One person that's missin


Missin in my empty life



I never tell anyone just how empty it is


I can't get that vulnerable


Not with the way my life is


I can't get that emotional


That I've learnt the hard way


Keep my chin up, head strong


& hopefully with some luck


I'll keep my sanity but I doubt my soul


Will ever be safe



In this merciless hole


Nothing's secure


The only thing you can hope for


Is one day you'll walk out that door



I can't tell you my secrets


Those I have to keep under wraps


For no one will ever keep it


I don't want to be put into another trap



I can't, no, I won't let my vulnerability show


Not in this kind of world


You'll get trampled like snow



I'll never let anyone know what goes on in this brain


Why sometimes at night


It's too much of a strain


I just let everything out


In forms of teardrops


So I'll never have to let this facade go


Never have to let the act drop


What festers & boils in my mind is for mine to know


& no matter how much I want to


No matter how much I dream to


No matter how much I'd love to


I'll never let anyone know


(30/8/12)

Rejection

Its that rejection
That burns you deep to your core
It takes up all of your attention
Takes a lot for you not to fall to the floor

You have to keep standing
You gotta keep up those smiles
And continue nodding
At least for a while


In whatever appearance,
However it is executed,
In all its essence
It hurts to be rejected ..


Wait to go home
But till then keep your balance
This sanctuary dome
But even through all the distance

Even though you can't be detected
Its still there burning deeper
The pain doesn't seem to have subsided
And all this will just make you feel weaker


In whatever appearance,
However it is executed,
In all its essence
It hurts to be rejected ..
 
That feeling of interference
Of all the fantasies and daydreams
Has caused them all a disappearance
Feels like it caused a blockage in ur bloodstream
With all this silence
Feels like a theme
To keep up the appearance
That it was all just a dream..
(24/2/12) 

Confusion of Concealation

Its all these feelings
That confuse me more
Too many people concealing
Hiding it deep in their core

Need to let it all out
But how can I do so
Without having any doubt
Of their feelings I just don't know

How to set it free
Let it got & just trust
I have to & be
But its a bust

Help me let it out
I don't want to doubt
Help me not to conceal
Tell me what you feel
So I can tell you what's inside
I'm dying not to hide
(23/2/12)

Realization

I'm guessing I shulda kept this in
Guess you had figured what was within
My bad for not realizing that you didn't realize
That was just a bad compromise

Between mind and heart
'Always choose mind' that's what I said at the start
But it ends up different
Can't count on what’s actually significant

I know now that was a mistake
Can never fixate
On one particular thing or being
For it leaves upon seeing
The attachment that I have come to adore
Will eventually be left hung up on the door
Left there for all to see
What was and was supposed to be
Now all I have is the familiarity
Of unpleasant consequences of reality

In that hour and minute
I shoulda snapped myself outta it
But with a smile and a laugh
I just let go and spilled out my heart

Let it flow through and through
But with that I got slew
Learnt not to let it flow
Try and stop it next time, don't let it grow

I know now that was a mistake
Can never fixate
On one particular thing or being
For it leaves upon seeing
The attachment that I have come to adore
Will eventually be left hung up on the door
Left there for all to see
What was and was supposed to be
Now all I have is the familiarity
Of unpleasant consequences of reality

I've said all I can
Nothing went according to plan
All I really wanted was that chance
Maybe I shouldn't have jumped that fence

Sat back & waited for you to make the first move
But then again I had something to prove
Things can work if you have the right person
But everything I did made it worsen

In any case now you know
I've done my bit
I'll leave u here to ponder and sit
And nows my time to go
(22/2/12)

What Hurts

What I did
You might not forgive
What I said
I doubt you'll forget

I know it hurt you
I know it stung
But please baby please

Trust me when I say
It hurt me too
Hurt me so much
Was like a knife to my chest
A knife I plunged in there myself
& twisted till it stuck
A lump formed at my throat
I couldn't utter a word
But I speak true
I said what I said all for you

She hurt you
That much is true
And I know, right now
I hurt you too

Trust me when I say
It hurt me too
Hurt me so much
Was like a knife to my chest
A knife I plunged in there myself
& twisted till it stuck
A lump formed at my throat
I couldn't utter a word
But I speak true
I said what I said all for you

I know you’re not over her
I don't think you'll ever be
I feel like you’re not ready
To fully give yourself to me

You need that time alone
That time to reminisce
To remember all about her
Bad times and all the bliss

You need that time for grieving
That's the time I'm offering
I'm not saying I'm leaving
But I can't keep you suffering

Trust me when I say
It hurt me too
Hurt me so much
Was like a knife to my chest
A knife I plunged in there myself
& twisted till it stuck
A lump formed at my throat
I couldn't utter a word
But I speak true
I said what I said all for you

Please don't give me that look
I can't take causing you pain
I don't want to keep this hanging on a hook
This is all for your gain

Keeping all this bottled up inside
I want you to let it out
I promise I'm staying for that ride
With that there's no doubt

I'll be there to hear you
I'll be there to hold you
I hope later you'll see
& I hope you'll come back to me

Trusting me when I say
What hurts you
Hurts me too
(20/2/12)