Stationary

Searching for the person I fell for

Searching for that person

Chasing that person

But now I realize

That person is long gone

She has gone

She has moved on

Turned to another person

Puts that person first

That persons her priority

And I've just become a backdrop

A memory that lingers

& refuses to leave

But I'm not a memory

I'm here

I'm here but I'm not chasing

I'm just a presence

That comes & goes

Because I'm not chasing

I'm stationary

Like paper & pen vs PCs

PCs are better

But paper & pen are universal

They're infinite

I'll always be here

But I'm not competing

Just waiting

Till you see my worth

How I'm gonna help

How you're gonna need me

I'll still be there

But I'm stationary

(14/10/13)

Broken

You've broken me

Made me burn

In ways I never thought you would

Never thought you'd be able

I listened to your words

Heard each and every one

Believed them

As they danced off your tongue

So sweet & delicate

I believed it all

So naively & innocently

I fell into the trap

People told me to be aware

But I decided not to listen

Because this was different

You were different

I showed them too

I thought I did anyway

Thought we showed them

We were gonna be different

Different from the rest

What we have was special, I said

One of a kind

Never felt it before

Never experienced anything like it

I put you first

Because I felt it was right

Put you before anything

Before anyone

& They told me

They told me I was changing

Oh how I was changing

For the better

You were good for me

& I loved hearing it

It just encouraged me

To fall more

Believe more

& the next thing I know

My guard's down

There are no walls between us

I should have listened to those first cries

The cries heeding me

Heeding me to be careful

Because as soon as I let those walls

Those safe stone brick solid walls fall

It didn't happen right away

No

& not all at once

Warnings at first

One whistled past my ear

I believe it to be the wind

Another stabs the ground in front of me

I continue forward

They start flying down more n more as time goes on

Steadier

Heavier

Until all of a sudden

What came flying down was a sky full of arrows

Piercing every part of flesh they could find

Stabbing into every nerve

Pushing me down to my knees

As I gave way to the unexpected pain

Unexpected hurt

Waiting for me on the other side

When I thought what I found at first would last forever

The safety

The warmth

The care

Instead

There now was steel

Ice

Neglect

& soon

Nothing

(12/10/13)

Never Thought

I never thought that this would be us

That we'd lose what we had

That we'd become what I did with others

That you'd leave me for another

I never thought

That's why I severed my other ties

Always putting you first

Pushing other people aside

Because I thought it'd be worth it

You'll stay till the end

But that wasn't the case

You've found another

& it hurts

It stings

To this day

That I could just be pushed aside

So easily

So carelessly

As if we never shared anything

I don't know what goes on in your head

That much is true

But your actions show enough

Your actions always show enough

I'm not a priority anymore

But hey

Why would I be

Why should I have expected this to be different

Because we said so?

Heh

That should make no difference

I should have known

Should have learnt from my past

That I'm never good enough

Never good enough to keep people around

They always end up leaving

There's always going to be someone better

It just hurts more that it happened with you

It was so unexpected

So out of the blue

(12/10/13)

Vulnerability

I try not to cry


I hate those wet things crawling down my cheeks


Soaking my pillow


Getting the side of my face sticky


Making my eyes puffy


Making them red



I don't like getting that stuffy nose


Puffy cheeks


Puffy lips


From crying all night long


With so many thoughts & emotions just gushing out



I hate being that vulnerable


Because being that vulnerable leads to talking


Telling people exactly what's on my mind





That's dangerous


Dangerous for everyone


****


I don't like crying


I let things fester


Let them keep boiling


Till they rise to the surface


Where I can't control em



They then come pouring out


In forms of droplets 


Droplets of tears


Streaming down my cheeks



Being soaked by my pillow


That I hug so tight


Looking for some sort of comfort


Late at night



I'll never find it


That I know to be true


I'll never find it cuz that pillow


That pillow aint nothin on you



By 'you' everyone might be thinkin I mean a lover


Nope that aint true


I don't just mean one person


It’s not just one person


One person that's missin


Missin in my empty life



I never tell anyone just how empty it is


I can't get that vulnerable


Not with the way my life is


I can't get that emotional


That I've learnt the hard way


Keep my chin up, head strong


& hopefully with some luck


I'll keep my sanity but I doubt my soul


Will ever be safe



In this merciless hole


Nothing's secure


The only thing you can hope for


Is one day you'll walk out that door



I can't tell you my secrets


Those I have to keep under wraps


For no one will ever keep it


I don't want to be put into another trap



I can't, no, I won't let my vulnerability show


Not in this kind of world


You'll get trampled like snow



I'll never let anyone know what goes on in this brain


Why sometimes at night


It's too much of a strain


I just let everything out


In forms of teardrops


So I'll never have to let this facade go


Never have to let the act drop


What festers & boils in my mind is for mine to know


& no matter how much I want to


No matter how much I dream to


No matter how much I'd love to


I'll never let anyone know


(30/8/12)