Vulnerability

I try not to cry


I hate those wet things crawling down my cheeks


Soaking my pillow


Getting the side of my face sticky


Making my eyes puffy


Making them red



I don't like getting that stuffy nose


Puffy cheeks


Puffy lips


From crying all night long


With so many thoughts & emotions just gushing out



I hate being that vulnerable


Because being that vulnerable leads to talking


Telling people exactly what's on my mind





That's dangerous


Dangerous for everyone


****


I don't like crying


I let things fester


Let them keep boiling


Till they rise to the surface


Where I can't control em



They then come pouring out


In forms of droplets 


Droplets of tears


Streaming down my cheeks



Being soaked by my pillow


That I hug so tight


Looking for some sort of comfort


Late at night



I'll never find it


That I know to be true


I'll never find it cuz that pillow


That pillow aint nothin on you



By 'you' everyone might be thinkin I mean a lover


Nope that aint true


I don't just mean one person


It’s not just one person


One person that's missin


Missin in my empty life



I never tell anyone just how empty it is


I can't get that vulnerable


Not with the way my life is


I can't get that emotional


That I've learnt the hard way


Keep my chin up, head strong


& hopefully with some luck


I'll keep my sanity but I doubt my soul


Will ever be safe



In this merciless hole


Nothing's secure


The only thing you can hope for


Is one day you'll walk out that door



I can't tell you my secrets


Those I have to keep under wraps


For no one will ever keep it


I don't want to be put into another trap



I can't, no, I won't let my vulnerability show


Not in this kind of world


You'll get trampled like snow



I'll never let anyone know what goes on in this brain


Why sometimes at night


It's too much of a strain


I just let everything out


In forms of teardrops


So I'll never have to let this facade go


Never have to let the act drop


What festers & boils in my mind is for mine to know


& no matter how much I want to


No matter how much I dream to


No matter how much I'd love to


I'll never let anyone know


(30/8/12)